Adoption etiquette: a primer
by Anne Duff
“Ohh…you’ll like this one a lot better.” Someone uttered these words to my husband and me when they found out I was pregnant.
We already had adopted a daughter from China and were in the process of adopting another daughter from the same country. We chalked it up to ignorance and didn’t say anything. But as we raised our three children – our two daughters who were born in China and our biological son – we heard hurtful, often unintentional, comments from family, friends, and passersby.
There is an adoption etiquette that adoptive families all know, but most people whose lives have not been touched by the miracle of adoption don’t grasp the insensitivity in their comments.
• “Are they sisters?” is a question I hear often about our two girls. Of course they are sisters. They have the same mom and dad – my husband and me. The appropriate question to ask is “Are they biological sisters?” And, no, they are not. And they may look alike to you (another comment), but they look nothing alike to us, and they are completely different in almost every way. With Chinese adoptions, it is rare to adopt a sibling group. Most adoptions are one girl, either special needs or non-special needs.
• “So, he’s yours (or he’s ‘real’)?” They’re all “real” and they’re all mine. I have corrected people on this one because I’ve heard it so frequently that I find the need to educate people about adoption. The appropriate question is, “So, he’s biological and the girls are adopted?”
• “And you are…?” I’ve been asked. I’m their mother. International adoption has been around long enough that it is OK to assume I’m their mother. I’d rather hear, “And you’re her mother?” than to be asked otherwise and given a strange look when I confirm that I am indeed their mother. And they’re not foreign exchange students, either. And, no, you don’t hear an accent.
• “What’s their nationality?” Both of my daughters are U.S. passport-holding, full-fledged Americans. Naturalized citizenship is automatic with foreign adoption. The best question I received regarding their birth was, “What’s their heritage?” But I won’t be offended if you ask me what country they are from.
• “It’s a miracle that you got pregnant!” I will always believe that our two girls from China are our miracles. The unconditional love that is instantaneous when these girls were placed in our arms for the first time is a complete miracle. I look at them every day and don’t see how I could love them more than I do. They are my own; they are my miracles.
Most adoptive families love to talk about their children’s adoptions. It’s a journey that is both stressful and amazing. Ask questions about the process, but please be sensitive to the terms you use.
There have also been comments about adoption that made me chuckle. I know my girls are pro-adoption.
When my kids were little and all three played together, their brother would tease and torment the girls. After enough taunting by their brother, my daughters would come to me and say, “I’m definitely adopting.”
Anne Duff is a retired teacher and guidance counselor, a community volunteer, and an at-large member of the Board of School Trustees for FWCS.
**Note: The Fort Wayne Journal Gazette is behind a paywall. Digital access, home delivery, or both are available with a subscription. Staying informed is essential; one way to do that is to support your local newspaper. For subscription information, go to fortwayne.com/subscriptions/ [NOTE: NEIFPE has no financial ties to the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette]
No comments:
Post a Comment